tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3290662109425559453.post198404671530172314..comments2024-03-28T18:17:48.380-04:00Comments on Satisfactory Comics: Script (Tentative) for p. 7Mikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16718383312170645138noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3290662109425559453.post-66373121951677367832007-10-09T23:03:00.000-04:002007-10-09T23:03:00.000-04:00Off to a good start here, Kaiser! Some suggestions...Off to a good start here, Kaiser! Some suggestions for tweaking:<BR/><BR/>1) I'm not sure about "Eureka!" It sounds a bit too precious to me; when Stepan's being attacked by shadowy killers, is that the likeliest thing he'd say when he has a breakthrough? Something like "I've got it!" or "That's it!", while more bland, might be more convincing here.<BR/><BR/>2) Though the word count overall isn't huge, you've got a lot of little captions here--sixteen; and while I think a large number of captions can indeed be used to pace a single-panel page well (I've been teaching Sacco this week!), I also think that you shouldn't clutter the page with more captions than are really necessary. I'm not sure that each individual object Stepan considers needs its own box, for example.<BR/><BR/>3) You've done a good job throughout of making this sound like on-the-spot thinking, within the admittedly artificial conventions of captions narrating events as a character perceives them. (Goodness knows I've struggled with this in my pages, where Stepan sounds like a narrator more than a young person thinking and reacting to what he sees.) I think the one phrase that smacks of the study to me, though, is "Despite our efforts." It seems too well-considered, almost after the fact, not urgent enough for the present-moment alarm it must create for him.<BR/><BR/>I'm really eager to see the pencils. And I appreciate your going ahead and giving me something to think about for page 8!Mikehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16718383312170645138noreply@blogger.com