So: better? Worse? Suggestions welcome!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Page 3 Thumbnails (Obstructed Story), take 2
Okay, I've tried a revised approach to page 3. I've clarified some of the exposition, tried to write more dialogue as opposed to captions, and have toyed with using panels as focal points to zero in on parts of larger background images. See for yourselves:
So: better? Worse? Suggestions welcome!
So: better? Worse? Suggestions welcome!
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4 comments:
Very fast first reactions:
1. I like this response to the anti-grid constraint a lot more! It's genuinely breaking free of the grid.
2. I really like the central colse-up on Arntham's dead face.
Nudges / suggestions:
1. I think the only way the panel of Stepan's feet is going to read correctly, positioned below his body like that, if if you're showing the feet from HIS perspective, not from a third-person viewers.
2. If you push the circle with the bone in it over to the right a little bit, it'll probably smooth out your reading order a bit. You could have a speech balloon in the lower left corner of the page.
3. "Cover that bone" sounds a little dirty...
More in a sec.
Do your two circles break the rule of the constraint? Their centers seem (currently) to have the same relation to the bottom edge of the page...
Final notion: what's the point of the close-up on Kalbi in the final panel? I mean, maybe that's the best choice, but I think that his smirky grin is part of the reason "burying the bone" is reading as an innuendo in my mind right now.
I'm not certain that either circular panel will remain circular; but if both do, I'll be careful in the actual page to avoid lining the up in violation of the constraint. (You may note the rectangle that's also around the bone panel; just trying out different ideas, there.)
I will indeed be nudging panels in different directions to try to guide the reader's eye more effectively across the page. Bumping the bone panel rightward is a good suggestion on that score.
Finally, I think you've just got a dirty mind! It's not as if Kalbi is saying "Cover that boner." Nevertheless, I will entertain alternative dialogue for him. I do want to end with a (living) character's face rather than another inanimate object, though; it's more (as my students say) "relatable."
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